What if

I am officially terrified. In exactly 3 weeks my first grad school applications are due. I feel like nothing I’ve done thus far is good enough. The applications are for dream school (UVM) and the school that has my heart (UT). 

I’m currently working on my applications and editing my personal statement for each school, but I’m second guessing everything now. I don’t know why. My personal statement changes aren’t feeling good enough. I’m starting to wonder if I’m good enough. I know it’s the whole fear of the unknown thing, but this is my reality at the moment. I graduate in May and I have to have a plan. I don’t want to go back home. I want to change the world! I want to move mountains! I want to inspire people. All things will work out in the end. I just have to have faith, but it’s hard. Graduate study is crazy competitive and the first cut is major. When grad school is so close you can taste it, the fear of it avoiding you is real. Several people have said that I am the most prepared undergrad student that they’ve met, but getting into a grad program won’t be real until I get that phone call or email saying that I got in.

Well this week has been good. I attended two google hangouts with UVM HESA students. The first one was Friday and it was targeted towards LGBTQ students. It was facilitated by Brandon, Nakiya and Sean. I’d talked with Brandon and Sean before when I first expressed interest in UVM, but it was nice to finally see their faces. It was really good and helpful. They were very real and open and genuine. The lot of them remind me of 3 of my really good friends. Brandon reminds me of my friend Daniel. Sean reminds me of my friend/fraternity brother Taylor. And Nakiya reminds me of my older sister actually. With that being said, I felt connected to them throughout the conversation.

Saturday’s hangout was a general overview of the HESA program with Nicole and Michael as facilitators. It was helpful. They were completely engaging and kept the conversation lively. They talked about life in Burlington, their involvement, and gave us some really good advice. I talked about my fears of not getting into a program anywhere and they quickly shot them down. Nicole took time off from school before beginning grad school and Michael, like I’ll be hopefully, went in right after undergrad. Their different experience gave them different perspectives which I can see why they are in a cohort together.

I think back about why I didn’t apply to be a RA my freshman year and constantly say that I wouldn’t have gotten it if I did. I wasn’t ready. I honestly believe that I am ready for graduate study. What’s meant to be will be. I’m just gonna take everything one step at a time. I don’t know what I will do if it doesn’t happen for me right away, but I’ll figure it out.

Like my original song “All Alone” says ” I don’t know where life will take me. Moving on is so scary. I may not have been on my own, but I know that I won’t have to do it All Alone.

I got to believe that I will succeed in achieving my dreams.

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