Am I the Right “Fit”?

It’s been 2 weeks since my last post. A lot has happened and a lot has not happened. My application for Loyola University Chicago is officially completed and up for review. My Colorado State application is in the works. I’m waiting on a CSU ID so I can submit my final documents. I talked with one of the coordinators who said if things aren’t done by the 2nd to just submit them straight to her. So that is a good thing. 

I also picked my topic for my research project. I’m going to look at how queer people of color present their identities in online spaces vs. various offline spaces like classrooms, racial spaces, queer spaces, etc. I think it’s gonna be interesting and fun to research. The fact that it’s going to be 15 pages minimum is scary. I’ve never written anything longer that 8 pages, but this is preparing me for graduate level course work.

I’m still nervous about graduate school though. I’m fairly confident in my resume and my personal statement and letters of recommendation, but I don’t know about my GPA. My GPA isn’t terrible but it’s not the best. I’d say it’s average if anything. Well that’s my cumulative GPA. My major GPA is good as well as my upper division GPA. Let’s face it, I sucked at weed out classes and courses I am not good at. I’m an English major. I suck at science, but I had to take 15 hours work of science courses. I also don’t understand government. Another 6 hours problem course for me.

For CSU’s SAHE application, there is a question that asks how does your GPA reflect on your ability to complete graduate level work. This question terrifies me because I don’t my GPA reflects my ability to do graduate level work, well my cumulative GPA doesn’t. I do very well in subjects and courses that I’m passionate about. I find student affairs and the higher education system fascinating. When it comes to something that I’m working towards, I put my all into it. I want to be a student affairs professional and I will give my all to any graduate program that will have me and allow me to do just that.

I’ve been talking to a few people on facebook from the “Future Student Affairs Grads” group and there is this one guy who has so much faith in my ability it’s scary. What does he see in me that gives in that much confidence that I will succeed? What does the people around me see? I don’t have the most confidence in myself because I know where my faults are. I know I’m imperfect and I live in my imperfections. I know who I am, for the most part, but I don’t know if people see me or if they see something else. I don’t always understand people confidence in what I can do.  He always tells me how he just knows I’m going to get into UVM and be this badass professional, but I don’t know that. Nothing is certain for me. I may not get into UVM. I may not get into any school. What then? His confidence in me would have been wasted. I’m not trying to be pessimistic or anything. I’m an idealist and I just want to say that there is a possibility that things won’t turn out the way others expect them to for me.

In two days, it will be January 1st. By the end of that month, I should know what programs, if any, I will be interviewing for. The word “fit” is thrown around constantly. I personally don’t think I’ve applied to any school that I don’t think is a good “fit” for me or what I want to do, but it’s a two way street. I have to be the right “fit” for the program as well. People can say “Oh Ronnie, you’re a black same gender loving male from a working class family pursuing a master’s in Student affairs. How can you not get in to a program?” Thing about that statement is that I want to get into a program just because I increase their diversity quota. I want to get into a program because I am the best of the best. I bring something that the program is missing. I want the program as well as myself to benefit from my journey.

My path is to be determined. It truly is a journey that I’m on! I’m hoping for the best. Where I’m supposed to be, I will be! Just got to keep reminding myself that.

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