Something is missing: My confidenceP

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on here. It’s not that I didn’t have much to say; it’s just I didn’t know how I wanted to express my feelings.

I have no confidence at the moment!

I don’t know if I stand a chance with against the other candidates applying for the same programs. I’m not an extremely confident person, but I do put on a good front. I’ve always left room for the possibility of me not getting into programs though I hope I do get into them. Right now that little confidence is not there. It’s bottomed out for real. Many of my friends who are applying for programs already have some responses. I know two people who each have 3 interview offers. I have 0 at the moment. It’s disheartening because I’ve put in so much work, but have nothing to show for it right now.

Where my confidence hit a real low!

This past Wednesday, I woke up, checked facebook and was astonished about what I saw: A friend of mine received an invite to interview for UVM. My heart jumped out of my chest. I literally started to check my email every 5 minutes to see if I would receive an email with an invite. NOTHING. I met with my NUFP mentor and he noticed that I wasn’t extremely happy at the moment. Over the past two weeks, my life hasn’t been the happiest and little (actually huge) things have been eating at me. So many people have been asking me if I’m ok and honestly I don’t know if I am ok, but let’s get back to the story. I told my mentor what was going on and about UVM. He then told me to read a quote he had posted on his wall. The quote essentially said that all your hard work doesn’t go unnoticed. Just when you’re ready to give up, your hard work pays off. I needed to here that, but my confidence still hasn’t returned. After the meeting, another one of my friends got an invite to UVM’s interviews. Just then my heart broke. Part of me shattered. I was then told that the invites were just for their first interview weekend and that next week the invites for the second weekend will be going out. Yes, that means that there is still a chance for me to get in, BUT my confidence is completely gone. I have no confidence that I will get into ANY of the schools that I applied to anymore.

I also find out about Colorado State next week. These are my top 2 schools. I just have this feeling like something bad is going to happen or that I’m not good enough. I’m not a fan of competition and it’s just my luck that I would apply to some of the top ranking programs in the nation. I feel like my chances aren’t that great. There are people with better GPA’s and far more experience than I have. Hell, there is a girl on my campus who is practically superwoman. She has a ton of experience and a personality that screams student affair professional. Schools will be lucky to have her. The way I feel right now is that I’d be lucky to get into a school.

It’s killing me!

Everyone is telling me to “trust in the process” and “be patient.” I’m struggling with this so much. How can I trust in the process when I don’t have confidence? I just want to know if it’s a yes or a no to these schools. Not knowing is far worse than receiving a no. I don’t know how I am going to regain my confidence. It all works out in the end, but what if it doesn’t work out the way I want it to. I have no idea what I will do. It has me questioning every single part of me.

What to do?

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