This week my feeling have been up and down! I’m super anxious to find out if I got an offer to attend Western Illinois University! About 11 people I know have gotten offers and committed to programs in the past week. A couple are going to Florida State, another will be at Ohio State, one is at University of Nebraska-Lincoln, one at Miami University, one a Bowling Green, and 4 at Western Illinois! I’m super excited for them, but I’m also anxious about when it will be my time.
I’m gonna start off by sharing a rather personal detail about me that I don’t tell many people: I have an inferiority complex. It’s not out of hand, but it is one nonetheless. I’ve had it for a long time and have gotten good at masking it most of them time. It started as a kid for sure. I grew up with two older siblings and the expectation was always that I had to do better than they did. Even to this day, that expectation is still there. It’s a lot of pressure and throughout my life, it has always made me question if I was good enough. If I was good enough as me, Ronnie, not as the person who goes above and beyond.
This has been going through my head all week! As more and more people I know and future colleagues accept their offers, I question why I haven’t received one yet. I question if the things I’ve done were good enough. I was even questioning this after my interviews at Western Illinois. I would walk out of an interview feeling confident and then hear about another person’s interview and quickly question if what I did was as good. I did that with my peers for pride monologue. After hearing and seeing all of my cohorts’ monologues, I wondered if mine was at the same caliber as theirs.
I’ve spent so much of my life trying to live up to other people’s expectations for me that I find it hard to say what I want and what my expectations for myself are. For smaller things, I’m in the clear in terms of this mental state. But if there is any chance that I have something major on the line, it kicks in. It’s not an external things for me. I’m an introverted feeler so these thoughts and feelings are kept inside most of the time. It all works out but I still wonder if I’m good enough. If I’m a good enough singer to make it to the grammy’s, If a song I’m working on is good enough to be performed. Generally if it is for the public or something I really want, I’m questioning if it was good enough, if I was good enough.
I’ve said all of this to say that I’m kinda nervous. There were 60 candidates all vying for 22 spots in Western Illinois’s College Student Personnel program. Yes some of us are going to go other places, but for some, like me, it’s the place I want to be. I feel like I need to be there. I’m not a competitive person, partially because of my inferiority complex and partially because I like for everyone to win. I just want to know that I was good enough; that I belong. I’m tired of trying to be good enough for other’s expectations. I just want to be good enough as me. I gave WIU me, I gave them Ronnie. All I can hope is that was enough. This waiting game is tough but I will hopefully find out next week when Spring Break is over.
This line from Gabe Bondoc’s song “The Math” tells the story of my life: “I’m less than perfect. I don’t always win when I try. I’ve just been second choice so many times in my life.”
This is how I feel a lot of the time underneath it all.