Emotionally Devastated

For those of you who don’t know, I will not be attending grad school this fall. This information hit me like a bus. I cried for hours. This was not my plan at all. Since March 2013, I had planned on going to grad school to study Higher Education/Student Affairs/College Student Personnel/etc. I spent my entire senior year working towards that goal. It was the basis around my NUFP mentorship: to get into a graduate program with an assistantship. It didn’t happen. I feel so many things. I feel alone. I feel like I’m not good enough. I feel unwanted. I ask myself “why do I even try?” Why me? Why am I the one that always has to have a hard time and go through struggles. I’m the only person going into student affairs from UT that did not get into a grad program. I would be the one. I feel like I failed the process. Everyone says “trust the process” but I feel like I failed. I trusted it, gave it my all, and got nothing. I feel like my entire grad school search process was for nothing. I did all that work and got nothing to show for it. My entire life I’ve had to face struggles. No matter how bad I wanted something or how hard I worked for it, I always have to be pushed back and 10 steps before I can get it. I’ll start with high school. I am a singer, I can count the number of solos given on one hand. No matter how hard I worked, my talent was rarely even recognized or appreciated. When it came to college, I defaulted to UT. When it came to a major, I didn’t get into my first choice (Music) and I sang my ass off at my audition. I then defaulted to my back up major of English. My freshman year, I applied to be an OA. Got wait listed and not hired. Sophomore year, I wanted to become a public relations major; didn’t happen. Applied to be a RA, got the position but not where I wanted. Junior year applied for SRA, got the position but not where I wanted. Senior Year, applied to 5 grad programs, interviewed at 2, will be attending 0. My pride, confidence, and ego are hurt. I’ve given all I’ve got and still it wasn’t good enough. At every stage of the process, I gave 100% Ronnie. And in the end, I feel like Ronnie wasn’t good enough. I worked for an entire year trying to reach a goal and that goal was ripped away from me in an instant. My entire plan for the next year was gone just that fast. Now I’m trying to scramble to find a place to live and a job because I have no other choice. For once in my life, I thought I would have choices. I had to default once again. Everyone is telling me how great a year off is gonna be. How I’m gonna learn so much about myself and be better for grad school. I’m sure that may happen but I’m not taking a year off because I want to. I’m taking a year off because I have no other option. There is a big difference between the two. I feel like I let everyone down. I feel like I failed my NUFP mentor! I feel like I failed my support system! I feel like I failed myself! I feel like I failed the process! So many people had so much faith that I’d get in and be going off to some amazing program and I’m NOT. Every time I tell someone that I’m not going to grad school, my heart breaks a little bit more. The only two things I’m good at are singing and working with student. One won’t help me survive this next year and the other grad school was going to train me to better do. I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen next and I’m terrified. I’m not ready for this. I feel all alone!


2 thoughts on “Emotionally Devastated

  1. Hi Ronnie. I found your blog after Googling NUFP projects for a mentee I’m working with. I read this post and was reminded of my experience 4 years ago. I had applied to several programs – UVM, CSU, and MSU. I interviewed at UVM and MSU but didn’t get assistantships. I also, had no plan B, thinking this was it for me. I felt so stupid – like a failure and a fool for assuming that this would work out.
    I’m writing this to tell you that you are not alone. Many of us have been there, and will be there again. Sometimes 100% of you is not 100% what they’re looking for. But it’s worth the wait – 100% of you will be 110% right at the right time.
    My year off was not by choice either but what you do with that year, is your choice (keeping in mind that different people have different responsibilities and privileges that may alter what they can and can’t do). I joined AmeriCorps and worked for the Nevada Conservation Corps. That year changed my life! I did learn so much about myself and learned that I absolutely needed the time off from school to be my best self the following year when I did end up going to Grad School at UVM with an assistantship in Residential Life. Dreams do come true Ronnie. They often times take an alternate path, and may end up resulting in arriving at a dream you never even knew you had. Keep that dedication to yourself and to your future students alive! It’ll be worth it; you’re worth it!

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