Lost and Alone

So much has happened in my life lately! I ended my term as an RA, got an industrial piercing, graduated from college and got the most badass batman tattoo. It’s been one hell of a ride, but something still feels off. It feels surreal to think that I am done with my undergrad experience and have a degree. It still hasn’t hit me fully. 

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My older brother and sister at my graduation.
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My industrial piercing
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New tat – batman symbol breaking off into little bats.

With all the amazing things that have happened, I’m here at OA Workshop and I’m trying to figure out why I am here. I don’t know if this is where I belong. I GRADUATED from college. I’m surrounded by rising sophomore and juniors. Part of me feels like I should off doing something else. Like I should be figuring out my life, finding a job, doing the things college graduates do. Do I belong here? I know why I got this position: I’ve been at UT for 4 years and have served as a campus leader since the beginning. There is so much I have to offer to the incoming freshman, but I don’t know how I fit into the group. I get the feeling at times that others don’t really care if I’m around or not. I don’t know if I’m meshing with the group as a whole. Yes, I can be funny and share a few laughs, but I feel like if people had the choice between hanging out with me and someone else, they’d chose the other person. The only thing I see myself bringing to group is age and wisdom.

I should be used to feeling alone, but I really feel alone right now. Nothing that I’m used to is there anymore. I don’t have the comfort of college anymore. I have to face the real world and I don’t know if I can do it. I have no idea what I’m going to be doing for this next year. Right now, I’m thinking about moving to New York or LA but both places are extremely expensive and I don’t know if I’m ready. What will I do if go there? I’m terrified. This time with orientation should be a major highlight, but right now it feels like I’m failing at everything. Right before graduation, someone asked me what I was doing after. I told them I was working orientation. They asked me what I was doing after that and I said I don’t know. They pretty much made me feel like a failure with their next few remarks. “So you’re going to be unemployed.” You go to college to attain and education to make a better life for yourself. Many of my fellow graduates already have jobs, internships and acceptances to grad schools, but I don’t have any of that. I graduated college with a degree and nothing else. Where do I belong? I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. Had this been me years ago I would’ve hurt myself in some fashion to control my pain, but now I just want to cry. Why do I try?

Take today for example. I really wanted to do karaoke because singing is the one thing that helps me to clear my head, get everything out, and have some fun. However, I had to give up my plans because others would rather play a game around here. Normally things like this wouldn’t phase me, but I already am feeling out of place. I’m feeling isolated. People always question how you can feel so alone in a group of people. Well, this is my reality. No one gets it. They say that I’m wanted and needed, but I never feel like I’m a necessary part of the group. I feel like if I was gone or not around, everything would still work out perfectly. I don’t know where to go from here, but I don’t feel like I’m needed. I guess I’ll do what I usually do and stay to myself. I’m should be used to doing things alone and I guess I should get back to that. Extreme introvert status back in full force.

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2 thoughts on “Lost and Alone

  1. Ronnie, I’ve been following your blog for the last few months and the most recent posts have been concerning to me, and I wanted to reach out to let you know that you should never feel alone. There are many people that are available to help with how you are feeling right now, and reaching out to them is a sign of strength, not weakness. I am adding some information below for the UT Austin CMHC, although being a student there, I’m sure you know more than I do. But please reach out to someone, whether they’re a counselor, mentor, supervisor, or friend. I wish you the best, and oh yeah, your Batman tat–super badass

    Counseling and Mental Health Center
    SSB 5th Floor
    Hours: Monday – Friday, 8:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m.
    (512) 471-3515
    CMHC Hotline: 512-471-CALL (2255)

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