Possibilities: What If’s and Exploring My Mind

As a person who likes to think back to where I was before stepping forward to where I’m going, a lot of “what if” type questions have arisen. How would I be different if I would have made different choices? I am a firm believer that what is supposed to happen happens, but every now I then I like to entertain these types of thoughts. Even now that I have chosen the program I will be gladly attending for the next two years, I am wondering what if I made a different decision. 

For the matter of this post I’m only going to focus on the choices I made during and after my senior year of college. The first what if that comes to mind is what if I had applied to Miami during that time. Would I have gotten the same result as I have this year? Would I be a part of the 2016 Cohort?  Another question that arose is what I decided to stay in Austin after graduation? What if I had gotten a job on campus? Would I have chosen to be a part of UT’s program? How would my friendships look? What if I had chosen to accept the offer to attend the University of Nebraska – Lincoln? What if I decided to interview with Western Illinois again? What if I decided that I wanted Vermont?  All of these what if’s open doors to infinite possibilities. Things like the people I would meet and the opportunities I would have all change based on each decision.

Truth be told: I can be indecisive. I find it hard to say what I want. It is easier for me to say what I do not want. I like to keep my options open so making decisions can be a daunting task. However when I feel something is right, I know it is right. That is how and why I have made the choices I have made. I felt like they are the best thing for me. My heart leads me most of the time which can make things complicated with my head. In looking back at my decisions, I can say that 85% percent of them were led by my heart. Being a feeler means that a majority of my decisions and actions are based on how I feel internally. My level of comfort in a place or with people is based on my feeling.

I took my Myers-Briggs personality test last year. For me, it was the first time anything had ever said I was introverted (I am an INFP). I really had to think back, reflect and internalize that result to make sense of it. Most of my life, I wore a mask that hid who I really was from people. It was a defense mechanism to keep myself from getting hurt. I internalized and processed almost everything on my own. If I did something it was because I felt moved to do so. Now that I am in the real world, I am seeing that results accuracy more and more. It is making more sense everyday. Yes, personality tests only say so much because people are complex individuals but everyday I am seeing the connection to my result.

Possibilities are things I appreciate. The abstract is something I thrive in. Hard details and facts are sometimes difficult for me to grasp. I guess that is why math & science were my worst subjects in college. It also can say something about why I chose to major in English because a lot of things are up to personal interpretation. I had the abilities to read a text and really write a paper crafting it into something that I am passionate about. Like I wrote a paper analyzing a film’s use of color to depict the masculinity and femininity of a character. I also wrote a paper how feminism was portrayed in an 18th century British horror story. These ideas are things I’m passionate about and I was able to make the work I was doing relate and reflect that.

The what if questions may be whirling around in my head, but in my heart I know that this journey that I am about to embark on will be the best of them all. No one can take away or discredit the things I have done. And no one will stop me for doing the things I will do. The future is full of possibilities and I have the opportunity to find out which possibilities will become my realities.

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