A lot has happened since my last blog. I have felt isolated. I’ve been jealous. I have doubted myself and my worth. I have questioned why. I have been so up and down emotionally that even I don’t know the reasons why. I have held things in. Just last night, I wrote the darkest and most depressing song I’ve ever written. I have questioned why people who say they care really care. I’ve struggled to tell people who I’ve grown to care about deeply how I really feel. I’m sorry but I struggled to see my worth.
A friend of mine said that I was like Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries. His exact words were “Damon loves deeply and thinks so much about the people he cares about, even to the point of letting himself get hurt.” I completely relate to this statement. I do love deeply and I tend to put the happiness of those I care about before my own. I’m ok with that. What I’m not ok with and need to work on is not internalizing the hurt. By putting others before me, I tend to keep in the hurt I’m feeling because I care so much about their happiness. I need to release it. As I continue to keep things in, it bottles up and once it’s full the smallest thing sends me into an emotional low. I’ve always said that I feel in extremes. The low extreme is really low.
This morning I woke up to the sun shining and it seems like it will be a beautiful day. I looked at my Timehop and saw a post from two years ago. It contained the quote “others see things in us that we can’t or refuse to see.” This brings me to wonder what exactly do others see when they look at or interact with me. What signals am I sending out? Do they see someone who is genuinely happy and cheerful? Or do they see the scared little boy that hides beneath? This also brings me to wonder what parts of my story that are left untold. In my Theory class, we recently wrote My Story papers where we talked about significant events that have happened in our lives over the past 5 years generally. I shared mine with AD and he shared a similar story he wrote. In reading his story, it talked about stories that are untold and how difficult it is to tell those stories. There are parts of my story that I will easily tell. I can talk about the identity crisis I had as a freshman in college. I can talk about my feeling during my personal development year. I can even talk about the horror that was my second year of college and the time when I wanted to end it all. I can talk about those parts of my story. The parts I tend to leave untold relate to trauma I felt growing up. The things I’ve seen and done. The experiences that aren’t happy and cheery. Those parts of the story have long since been buried but they stay with me with every move I make.
Part of the untitled yet dreary song I wrote yesterday says “I’m letting go.” It’s time that I let go and start to believe in myself again. I can’t say that being around extremely intelligent people isn’t intimidating. I’m seriously intimidated. But I am telling myself that I am not less than. I have to believe others when they tell me that they care. I have to be willing to be vulnerable and tell the people I care about how I really feel. I have to be willing to open up and go as far beneath the surface as I can without breaking. I have to hope that those same people will be willing to do the same with me. A truly deep connection is one where we can share not only our stories but the ones that are left untold. I’m definitely down for being an emotional support for others. I always have been. It embarrasses me that I have had to lean on others as my emotional support. That has rarely ever happened before. Part of me felt like I was burdening them with my emotional rollercoaster. Feeling in extremes isn’t always fun. But I have to start believing others. I have to start believing myself.
Today I’m starting this process. I will be honest it’s going to take time. I am not perfect. I am, however, working on becoming a better and emotionally healthier me. I will be ok (though it’s ok not to be ok).